HollowFlex
Satire for the spiritually sponsored and algorithmically broken.
Flex of the Week
She Calls It Breathwork, But It Sounds Like Heavy Petting
This week’s flex wafts in from an open-air yurt in Topanga Canyon, where @sacredchestnut holds biweekly “transcendental exhale” sessions that are equal parts guided breathwork and mid-2000s phone sex.
For just $222 per session, participants are invited to breathe into their wounds while she moans affirmations through a headset mic and gently touches her solar plexus on camera. She’s recently partnered with a vegan crystal water company and launched a line of glow-in-the-dark jade eggs “blessed by ancient algorithms.”
When asked if her work is therapeutic, she replies:
“Babes, I don’t heal people — I just hold space and whisper things until they cry.”
Flex achieved.
More Flex of the Week
She Called It “Soul Work” But It Was Mostly Canva
August 22, 2025
Trauma-informed, Canva-dependent. Soul work has never looked so aesthetic.
She Makes You Sin—and Then Quotes Scripture About It
August 15, 2025
In this week’s act of divinely monetized duality, we meet the J.O.I. princess who preaches purity between posts.
Her Aura Was So Bright It Caused a Friendship Eclipse
August 8, 2025
After a particularly “enlightening” ayahuasca retreat, she realized some people just couldn’t handle her light. So she dimmed them—permanently.
She Refused to Lower Her Vibration (or Her Rates)
August 1, 2025
After a tough week of “being misunderstood,” @alchemysavannah bounced back the only way she knows how—by doubling her rates, deleting all comments, and booking a last-minute reiki retreat. Healing isn’t linear, but apparently it is invoiceable.
Flex of the Week: I Cried, Then I Bought a $300 Candle
July 25, 2025
This week’s flex features @rooted.rachael, who bravely cut ties with all her friends after discovering boundaries, astrology, and $95 cacao ceremonies.
She Manifested a Mansion (and an NDA)
July 18, 2025
@crystalcalmdani turned trauma into property with her new manifestation mansion, a PDF coaching funnel, and three mysterious legal documents.
Healed So Hard She Lost Her Whole Friend Group
July 11, 2025
This week’s flex features @rooted.rachael, who bravely cut ties with all her friends after discovering boundaries, astrology, and $95 cacao ceremonies.
She Cried in a Reel and Called It a Masterclass
July 4, 2025
This week’s flex features @innerlight.liv, who turned her personal meltdown into a teachable moment, a seven-part video series, and a bonus workbook.